IT'S BEEN A WEEK SINCE THE LAST UPDATE?? WHAT?? WHAT IS TIME EVEN ANYMORE?? This week flew by like nothing happened, I mean maybe I did stay up for 24 hours twice, and sleep for 20 once, so that might explain the time jump... yeah... that does explain it... anyways. I've been doing the usual, site stuff here and there, music stuff here and there, just vibing in between, but also some important things that had to happen which probably also partially explains the lack of updates. But yeah, I'm doing okay (maybe next to the sleep schedule (that's fucking rough) but yeah, I'm fine now :) Although I just realised, as I am typing this I have been awake for 22 hours... my body must fucking love me at this point.

I'm no longer ill! YAYYYY :D but I do still have a massive headache, but that's from going to a concert, so it doesn't count. I've been playing Paladins like non-stop the last few days, also to try and distract myself from being ill, and I've been enjoying it so fucking much, it's been really nice to be able to do something at least fun while being ill. I'll be working more on my music and site the next few days, so progress should go forward full force again! (which is not very quick) But yeah, Paladins is cool, Tiberius and Raum are hot af.

I'm getting so tired of this headache (literally too) and my runny nose, and my throat aching. I just physically constantly feel like shit which is really annoying me. It's keeping me from doing the things that make me feel better mentally as well, so that sucks. I tried to do some music stuff but it was so hard that I kinda just gave up after a few minutes, and I really have not had the energy to look at even a single piece of html. Progress has been halted for the time being, but as soon as my body kicks out this annoying ass cold, I'll be burying my face in lines of html and css as soon as I can.

I have a runny nose, my throat hurts, I have a constant nagging headache, and just overall feel like shit :( haven't made any progress on my site or my music the last few days, I can barely play games.

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Stuff went better the last few days, I had some cool talks with Courtney and played some valorant with them (with mixed results). I watched some of Pirate's streams, and overall just had some chill days. Also an artist that I really enjoyed when I was like 14 that sort of retired two years ago, returned and released a fucking banger of a song (It's BIGTIME HOTSHOT CEO by Yung Nugget) and it feels weird to see an artist grow in a comparable way that I have the last few years. And I just keep realizing how much I just don't give a fuck about anyhting on social media, I just scroll as a distraction from my own thoughts more often than actually engaging with the content I'm looking at, this is only positive. Idk how I actually feel outside of just being tired. I feel fucking unstoppable and barren at the same time. i’m the one that they hate to see. And I'm here to ruin your fantasy. Every night when you go to sleep I'M A NIGHTMARE AND YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME (BLISSTER by LustSickPuppy)

Man... I forgot to eat again, I missed an appointment AND call with my therapist, nothing I play is actually fun, I'm somehow longingly thinking back to moments I despised. I have a massive headache, and depression is just kicking back in more often. I have no clue where it even comes from man, like I said in my last update, it just seems to always be in the background, waiting for when I don't feel good to punch me down even harder. I didn't want this page to be such a depressing page, I didn't even intend to post general life updates here, until I realised I didn't want it to be as empty as it would be without them. But I can't just lie, or not post an update for 2 weeks because I'm doing worse, if I wanted to only show the positives of my life I'd go to any current day social media, man those suck. I did something cool I guess... well yeah it was really cool but I just currently feel like shit. I beat the Black Ops 3 zombies Leviathan easter egg with Lotor, which was really cool, and nervewrecking. There were so many close moments where one person was downed ESPECIALLY in the bossfight, but we managed to beat it, it was fucking amazing tbh, thinking back to that made me feel a little better, my headache is still nagging me though. I'm trying my best to work on the site somewhat regularly, but I can't promise anything. Take care of yourself (Maybe I should listen to my own advice sometimes)

Idk why it comes as a surprise every single time, but I never "got rid" of my depression, I just found more new things to distract myself with. It's always there in the background, it feels like it's the default, and if I don't do anything to change my mood, to keep my mind busy, to distract myself in some way, it will always be there to keep me down. I've been doing therapy for more than a year now, and sure, I understand myself better, the communication between me and Loxo has increased greatly, and I'm better at predicting what I can and can't handle mentally. But if feels like nothing has changed, like actually nothing. Nothing has actually improved, I'm still depressed, I still struggle constantly with social things and maintaining relationthips with people, I overthink about everything constantly, my own thoughts drive me mad. I just always feel out of place, I wish I was able to just fly away, but my wings are fake.

So uhhhhhhh... yeah... what happened the last few days again? Oh yeah now I kinda remember, I played black ops zombies with Lotor! I wanted to do that for such a long time, and we finally got to play! We played the custom map Leviathan, and it was pretty damn cool. It's also kind of a maze though, after 5+ hours of that map I still don't really know what is where, except for the power switch, that I do know. Our first try lasted like 3 hours and 30 minutes, and it was my first time ever seeing the map, and I think it was Lotor's first time playing as well, which was pretty cool because they're like a zombies expert, so to discover a map with them was really cool. We got pretty close to the bossfight on out first try actually, and we died becuase of a stupid stupid monkey-bomb thing not working, it scammed us and didn't distract the zombies at all! >:( anyways on our second try we got pretty close again, but we were on a time limit because Lotor had to go after a few hours, and we didn't beat the time limit, so that was kinda sad because we were really close again. But hey, we can always try again, and we will soon! I also started working on a new song, that I reeeaaally enjoy the sound of so far, and it's the first time I record things myself for a song! So I'm also learning how to properly record things, and how to use audio clips instead of MIDI instruments/sounds, which has been challenging, but fun. I played some Friends vs Friends, some Killing Floor 2, some Dead by Daylight, and probably something else I don't remember. I also really wanted to go to an exposition with Bowl, but I felt like shit on the day we were going, so I had to call it off, which really fucked me up and made me feel horrible. I talked to Courtney for a bit after while playing valorant with them though, and that made me feel a little better. This morning I went outside to look at birds, and I took some cool pictures! Birds are just so cool, I love listening to them while sitting next to my open attic window.

I wanted to put an update here, but now I realised I'm way too tired to actually write something interesting...I played payday 2 and the division 2 with my father, that was cool ig. I playeda lot of friends vs friends, that was also cool. yeah I'm too tired for this, I'll go sort myself out (meaning: -.- z z Z Z) oh and btw check out Daryl Dee

The title is kinda unrelated to this update, it's just a good album, go check it out, Zheani is cool in general. OKAY ANYWAYS. BANK. ON. TOPIC. My life (oh such an amazing topic wow wow wow wow WOW!!!) actually the last few dayz were pretty okayz, did some therapy stuff, did quite a lot of music stuff (I MADE SOMETHING SO COOL I'M IKE VERY VERY VERY PROUD OF IT. I WANT TO SHOW YOU BUT I WANT TO WAIT UNTIL I MADE AN ALBUM COVER AND A FEW MORE SONGS. OKAY? OKAY. OKAY! :D) so yeah, I've been doing that, played some valorant with Courtney and had some cool convo's with them, and I played Celeste with Lotor watching, I FINALLY GOT ALL C-SIDES AND THE MOONBERRY YEEEYYY \o/ and now I only need to collect the one-up and some more berries to 100% the game! Celeste is such a cool game, I wish Mountains were real :(

Nothing really that interesting happened the last few days, so there was also a lack of updates. Today I picked up the Division 2 for my ps4 so that me and my dad can play it together (soon hopefully). And I played some killing floor 2, where I got yelled at for daring to play medic (like usual) buuuuuut, one of the people in the match ended up messaging me on steam and actually helped me with some genuinely helpful advice for medic weapons and just overall playing with medic, which was extremely nice and they actually helped me get better at the game, so yeah that was pretty cool. (thanks Медмед) Apart from that I did some little adjustments to a song I'm working on, and I stared at my html code trying to figure out what to do with my homepage, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO DECIDE ON A HOMEPAGE

So I did some shit with music, that I'm actually kinda happy with. I still don't have the ability to precicely make what I'm thinking of, or to replicate an idea that I have, but I can make a whole out of a small idea, and make it sound kinda cool, so there's that. I went to a party again, it was Theo's party, I was not looking forward to it on the way there, but I convinced myself to go there. It ended up being pretty cool, mostly due to Bowl being there, they really made the party more bearable, even though we didn't talk that much, they always have a way of just making me more comfortable basically anywhere. Willow and Lotor were there too and I had some fun chats with them, there were also quite a few more other cool people there but I'm too lazy to come up with nicknames for them all (Yes all names here are not real names, for obvious reasons). So yeah, I haven't done anything with the site the last few days, but I feel like I've been busy, and I did do some music stuff, so I'm satisfied. Courtney sent me the new Tomotasauce video and it made me laugh a lot, thanks Courtney :)

Why are feelings and shit so complicated, like I'm not even going through something at the moment, just existing is way too much at the moment man, a few days of being awake during the day and actually doing stuff, and I feel like absolute shit. Idk what's going on with me man, I'm just tired in general, and right now. haven't worked on anything the last few days, not much anyways, way too busy doing other things and being miserable. Playing Valorant and just chatting with Courtney really cheered me up though, so that was nice I guess, I also got to vent some feeling/thoughts I've been overthinking about the last couple of weeks, and they approached it very honestly and genuine, which I really appreciated. Now I'm gonna go grab something to eat and probably fall asleep somewhere.

So I planned 4 social things in 2 days (ONE OF WHICH WAS A PHONECALL BUT IT STILL COUNTS) and that absolutely wrecked me, I feel like i have half the energy I usually have. And now that I've been awake for the entire day like 4 days in a row PLUS all the social stuff, I just feel so horrible. It feels like I'm barely doing what I actually want, it might sound a little dramatic like "oh, you had responsibilities for 3 days and you're complaining?" but it's kind of concerning to me how easily I just get so incredibly tired from doing social (although rather mundane) things, and just, not being by myself. Which is a whole new thing I wrestle with because I crave social interaction so much, but it's so fucking hard, and at times I feel like I crave more social interaction than I can handle, I hate exisiting sometimes. I did some stuff with the homepage yesterday, and added stuff to my bandcamp today, go have a look if you want, I'm grabbing some paracetamol in the meantime.

Today was chill, I played some grounded with Willow, played quite a bit of Valorant with Courtney, which was fun but also not vewy much because our teammates were racist and mean :( BUT we stilll had a good time and we had a fun chat afterwards so was all gud :) (Courtney is so awesome and cool and nice)

Today was pretty okay, I played some Predator Hunting Grounds (that game is suprisingly still very fun), continued with some different music things I had started but not really did anything with yet, I played some Dead By Daylight with Willow, played some Modern Warfare 2019 with Ficus, and played some Valorant with Courtney and Rey, which was very cool because I finally got enough points to get a new character, I got the character called gecko because I really liked all the little creatures he has with him, and he's actually a very fun character! Don't know if I prefer him over Skye though, I'll always like being a healer. Anyways that was that. YESTERDAY THOUGH, yesterday was so horrible, I forgot to eat and drink for like 15 hours, and I got a stomach ache so bad I could barely walk, every move I made felt like I was going to throw up, it was so horrible :( I hate not being able to care for myself properly sometimes.

OMGZ I MISSED A DAY NOOOOOOOOO I WILL SHAME MYSELF VERY VERY VERY HARD NOW... so uhhh... I worked on sum music, played sum gamez, LISTENED to sum music as well obviously, and worked on the site a bit. But yeah my sleep has been all over the place, so now I'M all over the place :(. Oh yeah now I remember, I tried out an idea for the homepage, but it was HORRIBLE!!!! It was annoying and stupid >:( so then I decided to play some Celeste because I was ANGRY and then I got even MORE ANGRY because of that STUPID FUCKING WATERMARK IN THE CORNER OF MY SCREEN eBhEbHeBhE aCtIvAtE yOuR wInDoWs SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. So... to remove my angeryness I decided to buy the first cheap windows key I saw, but OFCOURRSSEEE NONE OF THOSE FUCKING SITES ACCEPTED IDEAL AS PAYMENT, BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE FUCKING NETHERLANDS so I had to go through at least 50 different sites to find one that accepted iDeal as payment, I finally got it, 6 WHOLE EURO'S TO REMOVE A FUCKING WATERMARK. But no problem, just fill in the code, and nobody will joke about having that stupid watermark in the corner of your screen anymore (yes I'm looking at you Lotor). BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WINDOWS KEYS, AND I JUST SO HAPPENED TO HAVE BOUGHT THE ONE WHERE YOU HAVE TO REINSTALL WINDOWS IN IT'S ENTIRETY TO MAKE THE FUCKING CODE WORK, THIS IS WHY I DON'T DO SHIT IMPULSIVELY AND OVERTHINK EVERY DECISION I MAKE. So I back up almost a terabyte of data, write down all the programs I want to reïnstall, screenshot all the settings of those programs, and I reïnstall windows... which wasn't really that bad tbh, it took a while to figure out all the stuff you have to do after a fresh install, but I got my pc basically back to the way it was within a few hours. I did forget to save all my bookmarks tho, which made me a bit sad because I saved all the cool neocities I visited there :(... oh well, guess I have an excuse to surf through them again. But yeah, now I have no more watermark, and I can change my system accent color! :D This was SO worth the 6 euro's

Today was FUN because I watched Lotor play Until Dawn! I fucking love that game man, and it's so cool watching someone else play it and seeing them pick the choices you secretly know the outcome of. But yeah apart from that I played grounded for a bit with Willow and Lotor, which was really fun, also me and Willow showed the MOTH to Lotor! They hadn't seen it yet and we just had to share the fuzzy snoring cutie that is the grounded moth, to them, they also didn't want to kill or even hurt it which I thought was cool. I made some changes to a song I'm working on (it's turning out really nicely) and worked a bit more on the extremely sane page mentioned like 2-3 updates ago. Also I have been listening to almost nothing but Alecs Dyno the last few days, you should check them out, their music is lovely and honestly makes me want to take my own music more seriously (ALECS DYNO IS COOL AF, THEIR MUSIC ALMOST MADE ME CRY)

I didn't even get the time to open FL studio or VSC today... that kinda made me sad, and made me think about how there will be a time, probably sooner than I hope, where I won't be able to spend time working on this site, my music, or anything fun for many days in a row. Now I'm worrying about how little time I have to do the things I want in my life... while not even being 20 yet... yeah that wasn't on my bingo card for today. I just really hope I never get to a point where I'm not able to do anything creative, I'm really enjoying this stuff, even though I'm not that good at it. I should stop writing this and get some sleep.

I'm... very tired. Worked on sum music, played celeste with Lotor, watched some dead end paranormal park... now, sleep... -.- z z Z Z

Today, well, it's still the same day... anywayyzz. Today I started working on a very cool (and totally sane) page centered around a certain fictional character I like... yeah that's all I'm gonna say about that for now (DO NOT PEEK AT THE CSS, IT'S A SURPRISE(Although I really can't stop you so do what you feel like ig)) And I cleaned some things up in the CSS of the hellhole because it was REEAALLY messy, it may be a firey pit of despair, but the least I can do is keep it tidy. WHILE WRITING THIS, someone I haven't talked to in years(???) sent me an email out of nowhere and it almost made me cry for some reason, so yeah... WHY WOULD YOU CONTACT ME OUT OF NOWHERE WHAT. WHY. WHAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT DID YOU FOLLOW TO MAKE YOU SEND ME AN EMAIL OF ALL THINGS, OUT OF NOWHERE, AFTER YEARS, I CANNOT COMPREHEND THIS THIS IS TAKING OVER MY EVENING AND MY HEAD. WHAT. DO. I. DO. The way contact between us withered made me so sad, and now you do THIS? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I will now curl up under 3 blankets and cease to exist :D